What starts out as an innocent bit of elastic that has found it’s way onto the third step down the stairs, has burrowed into my brain and taken up residence. Adopting a personality of it’s own, and using depression and anxiety as it’s tools, that little hairband is now so much more.
Many people would view this errant hair accessory in one of two ways. The first group may note it’s presence, and then pick it up and return it to it’s rightful place. The second might not even notice the band, or if they do, give it little to no consideration. Then there is me. In the last couple days I passed that little devil going up or down the stairs at least half a dozen times. Why not just pick it up? I can’t logically say, though some part of it is due to the overwhelming sense of exhaustion that can fill your day within the confines of depression. I’m not leaving it there because it doesn’t bother me, though I wish that were possible! Just the opposite, really. Instead, it has adopted a voice that starts by telling me I’m being lazy. “Just pick up the band already!!” The escalation is exponential with every pass, and in a matter of hours my inner monologue has shifted from just lazy, to not good enough, to being broken, to being so broken there is no repairing it. I mean, who can’t just lean over and pick it up?! What is wrong with me that I CAN’T. JUST. PICK. IT. UP! Instead, that hairband has become my own 2 inch circle of hell. Then, for no specific reason and without thinking, I grabbed the tie. As I returned it to it’s rightful home, I had a moment of recognition that I had had a “normal” reaction to an errant hairband. Without missing another beat, depression brain countered, and pointed out that that small action had taken days. Days. “And now you are congratulating yourself for acting like an adult?! Way to go. YOU ARE NOT NORMAL.” There is usually no good retort to that statement, not in the middle of a depression cyclone. Today, my lovelies, I want to say this: Don’t let the hairband win. When some insignificant little part of your day starts telling you very significant things about who you are at your core, find other voices. Basically, if a hairband is talking to you, even metaphorically, drown it out! For me, this time, that meant writing about it. Taking it out of my brain and putting it into words. I know I am not the only one with a “hairband’. We all have them, and we can find support if we look for it. This is the perfect place for some good self-care, connecting with someone who knows you and will be that encouraging voice, reaching out - in whatever method feels doable - to your fellow travelers on this tricky path. I’m here. I get it. You are not alone. Let us keep going. Let us do it together. Let us keep mending. Melanie |
AuthorWho is Melanie? Archives
November 2016
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