Mend
transitive verb 1 : to free from faults or defects: as a : to improve in manners or morals b : to set right c : to put into good shape or working order again d : to improve or strengthen (as a relationship) e : to restore to health 2: to make amends or atonement for intransitive verb 1: to improve morally 2: to become corrected or improved 3: to improve in health; also : heal Free, improve, restore, correct, heal. I hope you find as much hope in those words as I do. No matter the starting place, I KNOW we can mend. Melanie
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Most people either love running or they hate it. I used to cherish lacing up and heading outside for a run, but to say my feelings have changed is an understatement. It is more than the 100 pounds I have gained, or the absolute suckage of my running abilities that has kept me from a sport in which I used to find comfort, health, pride, and camaraderie. The short explanation, to provide context for this post, is that I was attacked while on an afternoon run. I did not know the assailant, and all evidence points to it being a random act of violence. If you want the details, read "My Story". The trauma of that day changed me forever, and for a long time I thought that the girl who loved running didn't survive. Recently, however, thanks to counseling and supportive family & friends that have helped me sort through the layers of denial, hurt, shame, and fear, I have started to feel like it is time to reclaim my runner's legs. So, now that my brain is better ready to start running again, I need to come up with a plan that my body can handle. Check back in, because as soon as I have a clue what that plan looks like, I will post :) I welcome any advice or comments! Any other beginner/starting-over runners out there? I have an admission: the motivation for creating this website was selfish on my part. After a solid year of trauma counseling, and a heap of support from the family and friends with whom I finally shared my 'secret', I hit a wall. Not the first time I ran into this wall, mind you, because the hard work of healing can also sometimes feel like you are banging your head against those bricks!! And I built a lot of very sturdy walls in a decade of keeping my rape a secret. This time, however, my heart clearly told me there was a way over this obstacle. I wasn't able to make anymore progress because I started to see myself as a contributor to the cycle of shame that surrounds victims of assault; my silence was hampering my healing and hurting others. To heal, was to share. To share, however, was to be vulnerable. And vulnerability is scary! I would like to tell you that I acted quickly as soon as it was clear what actions were needed, but fear is a strong motivator for inaction. If I could have continued down that path without facing the fear of sharing, this site wouldn't exist! But here we are, you and I. The most I can ask from you, my dear reader, is to know that as I sit here typing in my warm and cozy home, I feel as raw and exposed as if I had no skin on my body at all! If you are a fellow survivor, I know you can feel that gaping sensitivity. If you are here in support of a family member or friend, imagine for a moment you have just had your whole body waxed, and now you get to go into an auditorium full of people (let's say your parents and every ex you have), and now all you have to do is stand in front of them, share your biggest secret, and cut onions...naked. Are we there yet? So this is my starting line. In coming posts you will learn that I used to be a runner, so this will not be the last sports metaphor you will read. Thanks for being here to join me, or cheer for me, or hug me along the way. Try not to let it bother you that as a consolation for my own vulnerability, I will probably need to imagine that most everyone reading this is also metaphorically naked in the aforementioned auditorium! Until next time, Melanie Hello, I'm Melanie! I am a mid-western girl, a nurse, a pragmatic optimist, a DIY junkie, a member of a wonderfully enigmatic family, and a trauma survivor! I am DIY-style updating the home I share with my dog Gus, an American Bulldeagle (my name for his American Bulldog and Beagle mix) and my cat Lucy. It is my aim and hope that this site will reflect me - the good, the bad, & the ugly! I am not sure what all will find it's way onto the pages. Without a doubt, there will be: pictures of Gus; DIY successes and fails; embarrassing moments of my day that I'm glad no one was there to see, but then share with everyone I know; and whatever is whirling around in my head that I need to whirl elsewhere! Together, I trust that we can laugh, learn, cry, find hope and strength, and remind one another that as individuals, there is a light in each of us that can brighten the world in a singularly unique way. |
AuthorWho is Melanie? Archives
November 2016
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